The Fifth vow completes the five vows which lay followers of Buddha (i.e. not monks and nuns) are expected to adhere to. There are more vows as one progresses, and for monks and nuns these run into the hundreds, covering such things as not handling money and not looking directly at a member of the opposite sex!
The Fifth vow is all about using what Buddhists call Right Speech. The closest Christian commandment is Thou shalt not bear false witness, i.e. lie.
What does this vow mean? It includes the following aspects:
1. Not telling lies.
2. Not swearing.
3. Not using harsh speech.
4. Dwelling on positive aspects rather than negative in your conversation.
5. Using your words to lift another's spirits.
6. Making your point firmly but not offensively.
7. Not deceiving others, either by what you say or what you dont say.
8. Not mocking one's beliefs.
As you can see this vow covers all aspects of how we communicate with others, either in spoken or writtern form. It's intention is to make us straightforward, honest and trustworthy in our dealings with others.
It is one of the vows that I have the most difficulty with, because I have got into a habit of swearing easily and I find this difficult to get out of. Any pointers on how I can help deal with this would be gratefully received.
I also believe that, while physical wounds can heal in time, those caused by words can last a lifetime, unless those words are forgiven.
What do you think about the Fifth vow? Have you been deeply hurt by another's words? Have you hurt others with your words? Have you told a white lie to protect someone's feelings? Are white lies justified?
There is an old joke that women would banish all wars, but would make the enemy feel really bad about themselves instead! How do you use your words?
Do tell all!
3 comments:
Bruv, the monks and nuns must be too good to be true if they can adhere to all these vows, after all we are all human.
I try to be honest in my dealings with others especially my nearest and dearest but like all of us I have told the odd white lie, but nothing too deadly.
I dont tend to swear in normal speech apart from the odd 'Bollocks'! when I mess the Sudoko up, but if angered (not very often nowadays) I can really let rip.
I tend to be positive in my outlook and speech, unlike Rob who seems to find delight in coming in with negative news.
Eddie, my Macedonian husband, hurt me by word and action fairly regularly, such as the day after we married we were going over to my family and he wanted to get home early to go clubbing with his friends, I realised from then that I was never going to be number one in his life, which I found very hurtful and he finally walked out of my life after a year and a half of marriage, leaving me in despair. With hindsight I am glad he went as he was no good for me.
Love and peace
xxx
Namaste, how did you stand living with Eddie for a year and a half - you have referred to him quite a few times in your comments and all times have been very negative. The good thing is that you have probably learnt a lot from your experiences with him, and have come out of it a better person. Sorry if this sounds like a cliche.
Now, getting back to this vow.
There are a lot of rules to this one, and like Namaste, I have sinned oh Bruv!
I tell white lies like I am sure we all do. I swear, like Bruv, although not a lot, but I do shout quite a lot lately, which I really do not like. That is really not me, and it upsets me to the core.
Yes I have upset people, Bruv included. I am afraid that I am fairly even tempered most of the time,and can hold quite a lot of stress, but when I can take no more, it lets rip - I am very remorseful afterwards, but you are right Bruv, the results of such harsh words and outbursts can last a lifetime.
I have been very hurt by the comments of others in my lifetime.
Here are 2 examples which I will always remember.
After my accident at the age of 25 I was unable to walk, other than with crutches, and later, 2 sticks - I went back to work at Conran and after a year or so, a new director was taken on as an 'axeman' to halve the running costs of our studio - he therefore had to decide which 10 people he would sack. He was obviously not liked, but I had to work with him quite closely and soon realised that he was in fact quite a nasty piece of work. Thankfully, soon after this time, I was headhunted to join another company (whilst still walking on 2 crutches) and happily couldn't wait to tell him my good news.
His response was.'That's good, we don't need a cripple working here - clear your desk I want you out of here in an hour!'
Some years later, I set up a business with a very good friend in the early 90's. Unfortunately, 4 years after its formation, the recession took its toll on our business and we had to part company - I would have liked this to have been amicable, as we had been such close friends, but I understand that others find that difficult sometimes, and my business partner decided to ignore my existence.
One morning, some months later, his (gay) partner arrived on my doorstep with some archive photographs I had requested several times. He was really friendly and we had a little chat which was a little difficult - but he and I had also been good friends and I appreciated the fact that he was not ignoring me. After he left, I saw a post-it note written by Steve, my ex-partner which read.
'Just leave these by her front door, you don't have to talk to her.' I was really hurt by that message.
Bruv, I think that I have already forgiven these people, although not fact to face - for me, that would mean true forgiveness, I cannot get my head around forgiving someone unless I can say it face-to-face.What's your thoughts on this?
I also find that today's methods of communication are not the best sometimes - blogs, web sites and email are great methods of communication (as is seen through Dao) most of the time, but when something is written down in black and white it can sometimes be misconstrued or take on another meaning or another sense.
I do try to be positive, but sometimes I am afraid that I fall fowl of this one. I do think though that being a libran is also a part of this, I like sometimes to be devils advocate to make sure that both sides of a coin are discussed. This can sometimes be misconstrued as being negative, or taking someone else's side, I see it though as offering another pair of eyes on the subject.
When you say not mocking one's beliefs is the 'one' me or someone else?
Bruv, when do you swear? Is it always when you are annoyed about something, or is it just a habit to drop swear words into your conversation?
I used to swear far more before I had children, but I felt that once I had them, I would make the effort to not swear in front of them - I have my moments, but on the whole have trained myself to watch what I say when I am talking in front of them.
Perhaps think about the moments when you swear the most, and once you realise why you swear at those times, you can be more aware of trying not to swear, and perhaps thinking of other words you can say instead.
My expression at the moment for S... for example, is Sugarnuts which the kids think is a really stupid expression and they now say it themselves when they do something wrong - I know that it sounds silly - but it works for me!
Sugarnuts Swanx
Just to pick up on a few points in Swan's fulsome reply.
I think forgiveness is the way to heal the hurt caused by words and I readily forgive Swan for any hurt she caused and hope she will do the same for me.
The one about 'only forgiving face to face' is OK if it is possible, but what about where the person has passed on. When someone dies we wish we could have unsaid certain things.
I hope she won't mind me using this as an example, but Ciariad recently sought closure of a deep felt hurt which involved forgiving someone who had died. We did this by me playing the part of the dead person and her telling me how she felt.
Perhaps this incident tells us to forgive people while you can, for they may not always be there.
On another point, who are we to mock another's beliefs for who are we to say that we are right and they are wrong.
On swearing, I very rarely swear when I am angry as I do not often seem to get really angry these days. It is more of a habit where I swear to make a joke sound funnier by accentuating the language. Silly isnt it.
Anyway thanks again for your kind thoughts.
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