I've been spending the better part of the last 2 months staying centered with my thoughts on family. Since last August, when Sophia suffered from a very serious accident and just last month my father's open heart surgery, it seems like there is nothing more important than family. And there is nothing more frustrating to me than family, as well.I've had many difficult years with my relationship with my daughter, Ashlie. It saddens me to think of how much pain we can put each other through, both of us having a difficult time expressing ourselves without hurtful words between us at times. And yet, there is noone more important to me. We adore each other, but can't seem to get along.
I've reached the conclusion that it's up to me. It's up to me to make the changes. Because I'm the only one I can change. This has helped so much, but I find it hard sometimes. Unconditional love is difficult for me. I always say that I love unconditionally, but when I get down to it, there are conditions attached at times. I don't like this about myself, but overcoming it is more difficult than it seems.
Who said "love is blind"?
Love, Lynn xo
p.s. Fuchsy, I thought of you in your red dress last Christmas when I took this photo of Sophia. You are both stunning in red!
10 comments:
Hi Lynn,
This is so true. Whenever I have found myself in a stand-off with someone, I have felt that one of us has to give way in order for the situation to be healed. And I say life is too short to stand on ones pride so I find I invariably give way and offer the olive branch first. And why not. Who is to say that we are the ones in the right. Is our pride really more important to us than our family and friends? Always give way and be proud of that instead. It is a sign of non-attachment if you can do it. i hope I will always be able to.
Love Bruv
PS Lovely picture of Sophia!
YES! That's exactly right Bruv, I agree. But not aways easy for me.
Love Lynn xo
Hi Lynn,
You raise some interesting and very brave points here and I know what you are going through with your daughter, so it can't be easy to love unconditionally.
I can always give unconditional love to my family that is not hard for me. However, the thing I find most difficult within family units is the lack of respect for who we are as individuals.
Why is it that in families we can treat each other so disrespectfully, something that we would never dare to do with friends or outsiders.
This for me is the big difference between friends and family. In this sense, the old adage is right, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
So what to do? Do your best Lynn, and don't feel guilty for falling by the wayside sometimes with unconditional love. As we have seen on the Dao its not always easy. None of us are perfect.
The words in your second paragraph struck some real chords with me Lynn too.
Bruv, what do you mean by 'always give way and be proud of that instead. It's a sign of non-attachment.' Sorry a little confused by that. Non-attachment to what? The situation? The person?
I do not always believe Bruv that by holding out the olive branch things can instantly be healed. One can say sorry and think a situation is put to bed, but it's not always as easy as that is it? Some wounds can run deep, can be left unspoken, as mentioned in my recent posts, these are the ones that can carry on through the generations with great effect.
What are your thoughts on this?
Much love Swanxx
Hi Swan,
You asked me to clarify what I was saying. Holding out the olive branch does not necessarily mean saying sorry although it can do. I mean by it things like, 'let us agree to differ, respect each others views and then move on in friendship'.
Regarding your comments about the difference between family and friends, they are different relationships entirely. In my personal experience, friends can be very supportive but at the same time often will not tell you unpalatable facts because they want to stay friends.
Whereas families have a different motivation, they care mich more deeply about you, as a mother you will know that this caring is deeply instinctive, to the extent that we have no choice. They want you to succeed and want to help you avoid mistakes. So the truth can be unvarnished at times. For example, when friends say I am looking well only Dad will say I am too fat, I should lose some weight.
Now I may see this as an example of disrespectfulness but only a Dad would say it, my friends wouldnt. And I for one wouldnt want his comments to stop just because they are upsetting.
So in my view, we get different things from each side and we hopefully are the better for them. If I am acting stupidly, I can rely on Mum and Dad to tell me. And I need that voice in my life.
You also asked what I meant by non-attachment. As you know this is a buddhist concept. It means resisting the power of the ego which wants us to think about ourselves rather than others. Non-attachment in this case is to pride. Pride will make us think we know better than others and that we are in the right. Buy who can say in reality who is actually in the right in any dispute.
We have an obligation to help others to happiness and in this way we may, if we are fortunate, achieve our own happiness as a by product.
Love Bruv
Hi Bruv, thanks for clarifying these things. Yes I understand now about the olive branch and I understand what you are saying about family versus friends. But my dichotomy I suppose, is that around me I have many friends (including us on the Dao) who have some terrible moments and relationships within their own families.
As you quite rightly say this family love is much deeper than friends, this is what I don't understand. How can we hurt so much, the ones that we care so deeply for? How can we have such a lack of respect for those we care for. How can we treat people any worse than we would wish to be treated ourselves.
I understand your examples, but these are not what I mean. Dad saying that you are fat and being honest with you, is him caring for you, thinking about your interests, your health. Giving you that sense of deep love and caring thoughts that we expect within our families.
I do not view that as disrespectful but good advice (which can sometimes be hard to swallow, but we take it in the manner that it was meant). But I have friends who have that honesty too and I respect them for telling me these things, from time-to-time.
But there are others who suffer deeply within their family relationships due to this lack of respect for each other (or perhaps its more than that). Lynn is one example, but we all know many more.
This is where unconditional love, I feel becomes extremely difficult and I admire you Lynn, for thinking like you do, trying all the time to change things for the better. It must be exhausting, but little by little let's hope things come around.
Much love to you all Swanx
Dear Swan,
Since your postings on Transgenerational Effects, I've been thinking that some of what I'm experiencing in this life may be the effects of past lives. At first I was only looking at the obvious physical traits, but when I think about where I am in this one particular relationship, it occurs to me that there may be something much deeper going on than from just this lifetime.
The passion Ashlie & I have for each other in undeniable. But the anger seems to run deeply for her. The situation her father put her through was aweful and she always tried to get him to love her as a father would and take care of his child. This never happened. So, as her life unfolded, and my not being professionally trained to make some of the better choices for her when she was younger, perhaps I have more to learn that just unconditional love. Not that I made bad choices, but not necessarily the best choices all the time.
Throughout Ashlie's life, I've been her punching bag. That can be an exhausting and unrewarding place to be. I don't want this any longer. But she has remained tied to her story of the past and I don't know how to help her. But sending out positive healing energy has help and I will continue to do this.
Thank you for your loving words and emails to help me through some difficult times.
Love, Lynn xo
Hi All
This is the 3rd time I have tried to post something on this topic - my google account seems to have gone mad!
I can totally relate to how you feel Lynn. My son Rhys has been somewhat of a trial and has led me to dispair many times - and still does. All I can do is keep the lines of communication open and let him know how much he is loved - even if I cannot accept his choices in some things.
It is true that we are often more brutal with our criticism of family members than friends - I wonder what holds us back in a friends criticism than in a family - is it that no matter what - we remain related but with friends they can come and go from our lives?
Ciariad
X
I think I have been blessed to have had children who seem to be content with life and what it brings them.
As you say Lynn, Ashlie needed love from her father and did not get it, I can't imagine how that feels, but then I also cannot understand why she takes it out on you quite so much. We all make mistakes along the way, none of us know how to 'mother or father'. But they are not really mistakes, they are our way of doing things, doing things that we think are best at the time but we are never quite sure. We often make mistakes.
You know Louis has been so different and so happy since Manny returned from Paris. He is like a different person.
Over the 3 months before he came back, when things were at their worst I suppose, he kept having nightmares, where he would wake up really sobbing, these were getting more and more frequent.
We kept asking him if he was worried about anything at home, at school etc etc but of course he said 'no everything's fine'. Then the other day we were having lunch around the table and having a laugh about something and he just came out and said 'so Dad you aren't going to leave us now?'. When we asked him why he had said that. He said well we are all really happy now aren't we Dad so there's no reason for you to leave us and he seemed so joyfully happy. So in his mind, this is what he had thought was going to happen.
The nightmares have stopped of course, thankfully, and I know that this is nothing compared to what you are going through, but this one thing happening, had made such an impact on Louis, so I can't imagine what its like inside a child's mind when the going gets really tough.
Ciariad, you seem to be doing such a good job of keeping positive too. It must be so difficult now that your son has moved far away. I admire you and Lynn both so much for how you are trying to dealing with things.
None of us know what effect we have on each other. And Ciariad, I don't know why we treat family so differently from friends, I suppose we know they are family and therefore we can take more advantage of them? They are always going to be there for us (although that's obviously not always the case in many families).
Much love and positive energy Swanx
Dear Swan, Bruv and Ciariad,
Thank you for your support and loving words. You three (and Namaste too! ;-) have always been so supportive.
Swan, your share regarding Louis is very much appreciated. I am happy to hear he is in touch with his feelings and able to express them. I know you well enough to see that you'll keep him aware of anything he may feel uncertain about.
Ciariad, you've mentioned to me before your challenge with Rhys. I do hope you are doing well and that his living away has become a peaceful feeling for you. Oh! how I know how that feels! ;-)
Always peace, Lynn xo
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